Whenever I see tragedy I immediately look for the economic opportunity it creates. So when I saw this news story about a guy who shot a woman because he thought she was a monkey, I wondered how the woman, who insists she is not a monkey, can cash in when she recovers.
My suggestion is that she should approach the people who make Nair and ask to be their spokesperson. The commercial could go something like this:
Spokesperson: “Are you tired of being shot because your neighbor thinks you’re a monkey? Me too. That’s why I use Nair. And now I buy my fruit from the grocery store. That probably helps too.”
I’m going to closely follow this case. If the shooter gets acquitted I plan to use the monkey defense if I ever get arrested for a similar crime. Obviously I would only need that defense if I shoot an unarmed citizen, but frankly the only thing stopping me now is the lack of a good alibi. This monkey thing could be just the ticket.
One problem with using the monkey alibi in a California suburb is that we don’t have enough actual monkeys to make the story seem plausible. So in phase one of this plan I will need to breed monkeys in my garage and release them until some sort of critical monkey mass has been achieved. Then I’ll never have to listen to someone talk on a cell phone during a movie again. I’ll tell the arresting officers “I thought it was a monkey.”
But with my luck there is probably some sort of law against shooting monkeys in crowded movie theaters anyway, no matter how much they deserve it. I should probably do more research.