Did you see the story about the Chinese man who died after his friends inserted a live eel into his rectum as a practical joke when the man was asleep?
This tragic situation, which I think we all agree is not funny, raises many questions.
1. With friends like that, who needs enemas?
2. How low did this man set the bar for friends?
3. What were his friends imbibing when they came up with this idea, and how can I get some of that?
4. How difficult is it to insert an eel into a rectum? Did they straighten and freeze the eel a little bit first? Otherwise it seems like trying to push a rope through a keyhole.
5. How did the man sleep through it?
In my own life, I have a strict rule for determining who to call my friends. Rule 46 states that any person who tries to insert a live eel into my rectum is automatically disqualified. If the eel is dead, obviously that’s just good fun. I’m not a killjoy.
As a conspiracy enthusiast, I have to wonder if the friends were trying to cover up an even more embarrassing violation of the presumably drunken victim’s hindquarters.
Friend 1: “Uh-oh. When he wakes up, he’s going to know what we did.”
Friend 2: “Not if we put a live octopus in his rectum. That should cover our tracks.”
Friend 1: “That’s insane! You can’t put a live octopus in a rectum!”
Friend 2: “Live eel?”
Friend 1: “Fine. Remind me to never be the first one who falls asleep in this crowd.”