Heaven is great! I came here unexpectedly at 6 PM on May 21st. One moment I was petting the dog, and the next I was ascending to Heaven without my fillings. As far as I can tell, I was the only person on Earth to qualify for the Rapture. My strategy of remaining a virgin is starting to look pretty smart. And I guess I can admit my other little secret: When you thought I was taking the Lord’s name in vain, I was really saying “gob.” I know, right? It’s so clever. I totally beat the system.
Anyway, let me tell you what it’s like up here, since apparently you won’t be visiting. For starters, the Internet is blazing fast, and I’m typing this at 1,000 words per minute. No typos, ever! And I’m not the only one up here maintaining a website that you can see from Earth. Most of the angel-run sites are nothing but home videos of our everyday life. It’s easy to tell which sites are run by angels because everyone in Heaven is young and fit. We have no clothes, no shame, no disease, and no need for contraceptives. I believe you sinners call these angel videos “porn.” By the way, we can all see what you do when you watch angel videos. And let me tell you – that will not get you to Heaven. But you seem happy, so whatever.
Satan runs a website too, but I can’t tell you the URL. There’s some sort of rule that Satan is supposed to mask his activities on Earth. That’s so you’ll never know when he’s pranking you and when your problems are your own gob-damn fault. But when it comes to his website, he doesn’t even try to hide what he’s doing. He thinks people aren’t perceptive enough to know the difference between a site run by angels and one that is run by the Prince of Darkness **COUGH COUGH Gawker.com COUGH**. He calls it “hiding in plain sight,” which he thinks is hilarious, because he’s sort of an asshole.
Everything is opposite up here. You know the spam email you get from people who are trying to con you? We get that too, but up here all the offers are real! When a Nigerian banker offers to share his millions with you, he does! And every offer for penis-related pills is legitimate too! All of the guys up here are popping them like crazy, except for Saint Peter, for obvious reasons. Angel trivia: His real name is Larry.
I was a vegetarian on Earth, for health reasons. But we angels don’t worry about our health, and we still enjoy eating just for the pleasure. What do angels eat, you ask? For marketing reasons, we like to keep that hush-hush. But I was never good at keeping secrets, so here it is: We eat sinners. It turns out that Hell is nothing but a huge barbecue, and Earth is an elaborate marinade. You’ve heard the saying that “the good die young,” but you never knew why. It’s because crack addicts taste awful. We kill them last. And you probably think exercise makes you live longer, but what it really does is make you hard to chew. You healthy people can live forever for all we angels care. But your plump neighbor, well, he’s good eatin’. We might help him shuffle off early.
Did you ever wonder why Heaven likes to keep you sinners perpetually frightened? We’re the ones causing all of the global warming and financial meltdowns and natural disasters. That’s because when you’re scared, you taste like chicken. That’s where the saying comes from. And you won’t believe me if I tell you which ones of you guys taste like pork. That’s an inside joke up here.
I could go on and on about how my iPhone never drops calls, how I never see pop-up ads, and how I never do ab crunches and yet I can still use my “situation” for a cheese grater. But I don’t want you to feel jealous. I want you to feel frightened. By the way, there might be an asteroid heading your way. Or not. Just saying.