Did you see the story about the Brazilian soccer fan that threw a toilet from the stands and killed another fan? As the article says, there are “many questions to be answered.” I’d like to get the ball rolling with a few questions of my own.
For starters, did the perpetrator bring his own toilet to the game or did he run into the restroom and rip a toilet out of the floor when the situation called for it? If it’s the former, I have a lot of respect for his time management. If it’s the latter, I’d like to know what herbal supplements he’s taking. Some mornings I can barely dislodge a few sheets of toilet paper from the mother roll. If that guy ripped a toilet out of the floor with his bare hands, I need to start eating whatever he’s eating. I’m thinking spinach and quinoa, but that’s just a guess.
I wonder if the perpetrator considered and rejected other ideas before settling on throwing the toilet. I only ask because one of my rules of thumb is that whenever my best idea is murder-by-toilet, I take that as a sign that I should keep thinking of options. For example, before I created Dilbert, the only idea I could come up with involved killing a stranger with a toilet. Now I’m glad I stuck with my brainstorming a little longer.
The news report didn’t include details, so we don’t know if anyone was on the toilet when it was thrown. You might be thinking that no one could throw a toilet with a person on it. But you probably thought no one could rip a toilet out of the floor or carry one to a game and get it through security? Maybe it’s time to admit that you don’t know as much about toilet throwing as you think you do.
This toilet murder hits close to home for me because my greatest fear as a cartoonist is dying in a way that makes it easy to write an ironic headline. For example, I don’t want to be stabbed to death by a clown. And when I see a banana peel on the sidewalk I cross the street. But that’s a risky strategy too because if I get hit by a car the headlines will be “Why did the cartoonist cross the street?”
I don’t think I’m alone in this fear. I’ll bet Prince William worries about being killed by a toilet. The tabloid headlines would be: "Royal Flush!“ Or "Harry, You’re in!” or “Future Monarch Killed by Poop and Circumstance.” I could go on, but I think you’ll agree there’s a downside to being killed by a toilet.
Co-founder of CalendarTree.com
Author of this book.