Scientists recently discovered that the blood of young mice rejuvenates the muscles and brains of old mice. One expert optimistically speculated that someday scientists might figure out how to make a supplement for humans that has the same benefits.
Sure, that’s one possible future.
The other possibility is that this young blood transfusion trick works in humans too but we never isolate what part of the blood is doing the magic.
My guess is that Rupert Murdoch has already built a secret bleed room that will make him immortal. I can’t imagine him waiting for a “supplement.”
Now imagine Rupert hanging out on his yacht with one of his top 1% friends after the young blood starts working.
Friend: Why does your skin look so good?
Rupert: Moisturizer. You have to do it twice a day. And make sure you get one with a high SPH value.
Friend: Really? I moisturize but I’m not getting that kind of…
Rupert: HAHAHA!!! Just kidding. I have a bleed room now. Young blood is awesome. Watch this.
Rupert rips off his shirt to reveal his new Wolverine-like physique. Then he runs to the rail and starts scanning the water around the yacht as if he has some sort of super vision, because he does. At just the right time he leaps over the railing and lands on a great white shark as it breaches the surface. Rupert holds on like a rodeo star and rides the shark in circles around the yacht while yelling YEEHAAA!!! Then Rupert stands to ride the shark like a surfer before re-boarding the yacht with one mighty leap. He lands like a gymnast on the deck and shakes off the water like a lion, roar and all.
Friend: WOW! Can I have some of that young blood?
Rupert: You asked at the right time, my friend. I just got some new interns.
An aide brings Rupert a towel and behind its cover of modesty he removes his wet trousers. Rupert and his billionaire friend head down to the bleed room. Rupert is wearing nothing but the towel around his waist, all the better to show off his new physique.
The billionaires enter the bleed room and we see a row of interns on bleed tables. They have transfusion tubes in their arms but they aren’t restrained. One sees Rupert and hops off the table, tube still attached.
Intern: Would you like some coffee, sir?
Rupert: I told you not to call me sir.
Intern: Yes, your majesty. (He kneels.)
Rupert (to his friend): Do you remember when we had to PAY interns? It seems so long ago.
Rupert (to the intern): Here. Take my towel and bring me dry clothes.
The intern heads off with the towel. Rupert is completely naked and looking magnificent, like a gladiator. His friend can’t resist sneaking a peak below the waist.
Friend: HOLY HELL! Did the young blood do that too?
Rupert: This? Ha ha! No. Remind me to show you my 3D printer with the stem cell upgrade.
You might be thinking this scenario is unlikely because mouse studies often don’t apply to humans. But just to be on the safe side I’m starting the paperwork for adoption. I know that sounds awful, but so are wrinkles. And I’d pay those kids a market-rate allowance because I’m not some kind of monster. At least not until I get a 3D printer with the stem cell upgrade. I’m planning to go full-centaur.
Stop judging me.
Co-founder of CalendarTree.com
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