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My Tissue Management System

My Tissue Management System

    My tissue management system might seem excessive to you, but allow me to explain.

    When you need a tissue, timing can be critical. Unfortunately, the tissue industry does not attract the finest industrial designers in the land. There is no Jony Ive in the snot-removal business. I don’t mean to be unkind, but tissue box designers are probably not the same people who designed the Tesla. That’s all I’m saying.

    And it shows. Often I attempt to grab one tissue and six come out in a clump. Sometimes I have to excavate inside the box, clawing at the wadded hump of tissues with my fingernails like some crazed badger until they release their bounty. Sometimes I need multiple tissues and I am disappointed that there is only one left. Why didn’t I buy tissues when I was just at the store??!!!

    Sometimes a tissue sticks in the box’s opening and I accidentally lift the entire box off the counter. Once airborne, gravity separates the box from the tissue and before you know it the room is a frenzy of cardboard, tissues, and bodily fluids. Sometimes cursing is involved. That’s my experience anyway.

    You can fool me once. And you can fool me several times a day for several decades. But sooner or later I will put a row of tissue boxes together and solve this problem for good.

    Why so many?

    Well, for starters, it serves as a monument to my ingenuity. There’s that. And it gives me great calm to know this one area of my life is totally under control. But the exact number of boxes is based on this calculation:

    – One box is often out of tissues.

    – One box often has tissues curled up in a tight ball, unwilling to be part of the job.

    – One box often has a tissue dispenser jam and can’t be safely operated with your one available hand. (Say you have a beverage in the other.)

    – One box is usually a duplicate problem to one of the above mentioned.

    And that leaves the fifth box as a probable source of tissues. There’s a sixth box in a decorative container at the end of the row, but that’s just for looks. Unless I need it.

    Sometimes I read books. Other times I write them.

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