< Go Back

People Who Don’t Need People (Are the happiest people)

People Who Don’t Need People (Are the happiest people)

    I saw a tidbit in a Business Insider story about a guy who had a positive emotional reaction to a computer-simulated woman he viewed with 3D goggles.

    I was disgusted. The idea that software could be compared to the beauty and wonder of the human experience sent a shudder down my spine. Personally, I put a high value on the human spirit because that is what makes us special. Robots can never give me what I get from human relationships.

    Well, one exception.

    I assume a simulated human would be punctual, and I like punctuality. So we would get along great in that one, narrow way. But in general, I can not even imagine dating a soulless collection of ones and zeroes.

    Although … I like the convenience of having a robot on call. They are never sick or distracted and they never go drinking with the other frustrated robots. I have a full schedule, and trying to coordinate with another busy human is like trying to lasso greased kittens. But all things considered, scheduling is a minor inconvenience when you consider the joy of human bonding and, dare I say, love.

    But … now that I think about it … I suppose I would enjoy life more if my personal preferences always ruled the day. But hey, who says I’m always right about what I need? I might think I need a nap but what I really need is to hold shopping bags and watch someone text. You have to keep an open mind about things.

    You are probably thinking that a robot would be programmed to always be upbeat, positive, cheerful, and optimistic. That sounds great on paper, but I would get tired of all that optimism. It wears you down. I prefer humans, flaws and all.

    Speaking of flaws, humans tend to stop going to the gym as soon as they get into relationships. Sometimes they gain weight or cut their hair in a way that reminds you of Hitler’s many youth programs. But those are small, external issues. Love is about the person you are on the inside.

    Speaking of my insides, I suppose a robot would never complain about my lack of romance, my inability to find things in plain sight, or my curious inability to do anything practical around the house. You might think I would enjoy a life with no complaining, but how can I improve unless someone makes me feel bad no matter what I do?

    I think it goes without saying that a robot can never compete with a human woman when it comes to sex. Okay, realistically, the slacker-women in the bottom third of the skill curve are not ringing anyone’s bell. A robot woman would not need much game to land in the middle of that pack of underachievers. 

    Personally, I would never settle for a woman whose sexual skills were less than stellar. Why would I settle in any way? I want a woman who is so amazing that she would literally be insane to spend time with a guy like me. And if she did, I don’t know how I could respect her when she makes such bad decisions.

    What I’m saying is that for anyone with a healthy ego, or even a dangerously inflated one such as mine, dating a robot is already the best choice. Who else would put up with me?

    All I ask is that my future robot lover has an Apple logo on the back of its head so my unconditional love doesn’t feel awkward.


    In other news, Lockheed says it is creating a fusion generator that could change the world. For example, I am imagining that fusion power might transform the Middle East from an important strategic asset for the Western world into a bunch of strangers killing themselves over disagreements about sand and magic. Go Lockheed!

    Dilbert on Facebook
    @ScottAdamsSays (my dangerous tweets)
    @Dilbert_Daily (Dilbert-related tweets)
    My book on success: “I feel the best I have ever felt after reading a book.” –  Puget Sound Paralegal  (Amazon 5-star review Feb 20, 2015)

More Episodes