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Your Best Orgasms are Ahead of You

Your Best Orgasms are Ahead of You

    Sexual arousal is mostly mental. That’s why a trained hypnotist can induce multiple hands-free orgasms in a willing subject. As a hypnotist, all you need to do is identify a person’s sexual fantasies from their normal conversation (a trick I learned in hypnosis class), add some verbal technique, monitor the reaction, and adjust accordingly. No trance needed.

    The subject of your generosity has to be willing and attentive, and the method doesn’t work on everyone. But if you ever worried that you are freakishly horny compared to normal people, you’re probably in the lucky group. 

    You probably think human-on-human touch is special. There must be a reason you can’t tickle yourself. And the feeling you get from pleasuring yourself is not even close to the feeling you get from another person’s touch. So there is some sort of magic conferred by person-to-person contact that can’t be reproduced by your own hands, even though your hands are just like other people’s hands. And you certainly can’t produce such a feeling over the Internet, right?

    Or can you?

    The secret of touch is not your pheromones or some other magic that would be impossible to reproduce from a distance. The secret of touch is intention. When another person feels your intention, they respond to it. Touch is simply the most powerful way to convey intention. 

    My tight pants don’t arouse me when I walk because although I feel the fabric on my naughty parts I know my pants have no sexual intentions. When my attractive female doctor examines me I don’t get excited because I know her intentions are professional. Intention is what makes human touch so powerful, not the physical contact itself.

    Here’s the interesting part: Intention can be transmitted over the Internet. 

    Allow me to draw a mental picture of sex over the Internet in the very near future. Everything I will mention is current technology. But it hasn’t been fully realized as a product yet.

    Here are the components:

    1. Internet

    2. Sensors and simple robotic parts

    3. Male and female artificial genitalia using advanced materials

    4. Software

    5. Ipad

    The sex toy industry has already patented materials and lubes that feel as good as human skin. But toys can’t replace human touch because toys lack the power of intention. That’s where the Internet comes in. The intentions are supplied by your partner at a distance while the physical touch is provided by the artificial robotic genitalia on either end. Both participants can control how the artificial genitalia responds on their partner’s end by what they are doing on their end (thrusting, squeezing, etc.) Now add your faces (but not bodies) to the iPad screen and you are face-to-face sending intimate intentions via the Internet.

    Doesn’t sound sexy to you? Don’t worry. I saved the best part.

    The artificial genitalia in this scenario have sensors to detect arousal levels. That means the system can do rapid A-B testing on each human to find out what works best. It starts by streaming to you short, random sex videos and noting which types arouse you most. As it learns your tastes it hones in on exactly the right kind of erotic images that will send you to the moon.

    Then it tells your partner what keywords or images will set you off. He or she gets specific prompts to help with the dirty talk at a distance. And when you hear your partner hone in on your deepest, darkest, most powerful sexual triggers, you will feel intentions like you have never felt them before. It will feel like your partner is inside your head. Add over-ear headphones for full effect.

    And because you are using technology and not relying on faulty humans for the physical part of the scenario you have none of the problems you get with people. No one gets sore, no one gets their hair pulled by accident, and so on. Ladies, you don’t even need to shave your legs.

    But what about oxytocin, you ask? When we make love in person, our bodies produce oxytocin, the bonding chemical that makes us feel love and closeness. Would that be produced by two people who are simultaneously having intercourse with machines? Answer: Yes, if the people involved are connected to each other by intention.

    My hypothesis, backed by a lifetime of observation, is that intentions produce the oxytocin, not the physical touch of another person. And intentions would be BETTER transmitted by Internet than in person because in person we have too many bodily distractions.

    I’ve painted a picture in this post of two lovers at a distance. But extend this thought a few years into the future and one of those lovers will be a CGI face that is connected to the cloud and learning from its computer peers the best ways to arouse humans like you. Then the A-B testing of erotic images can go to a new level. Even the CGI face will change to conform to your favorite type. The potential, in my opinion, is that Internet sex at a distance will improve until it is about five times better than in-person sex. And that day might be five years away. 

    Put all of this together and you see why I say the best orgasms of your life are likely to be ahead of you. Do a Google search on teledildonics to see the current state of the technology. Yup, it is already happening. Sex sells, so capitalism will guarantee that some version of what I described will become common. Until then, Happy Valentines day and good luck with your faulty human 🙂

    [Funny update: I can already tell from social media activity that this blog post is probably going to be my LEAST liked, favorited, and forwarded in recent memory. All of my social activity metrics went from brisk to nearly zero within a minute of it posting. The reason is fairly simple: No intelligent human wants to associate with the idea. You tend to share when a post says what you were already thinking but says it better than you were thinking it. No one was thinking about this topic, and it does not tie to the headlines. Result: Social media black hole.]

    Scott Adams

    @ScottAdamsSays (my dangerous tweets)

    Newest Dilbert Book

    @Dilbert_Daily (Dilbert-related tweets)

    My start-up

    My book on success: “I always get a sense of cognitive dissonance when I read Scott Adams’ books when contrasted with his Dilbert cartoons. As opposed to the cynical and often helpless and victimized denizens of Dilbert Land, his ideas on what it takes to succeed in business and in life are affirming and self-empowering.” – Joe Tye

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